My nipple is on Facebook.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
