my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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