dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
