his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I need to sanitize my soul.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
