Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
