am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
