oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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