my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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