My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
