i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
