He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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