dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
