then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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