i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
