I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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