I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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