Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
