Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
