Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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