someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize