There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
