I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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