It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I came so hard my ears popped.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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