Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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