hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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