Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize