I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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