last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
