the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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