so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
