Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize