Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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