did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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