Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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