Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize