I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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