woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
