I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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