i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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