Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
