I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
