How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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