Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
My balls are so social today.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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