Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
