the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
