White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
