Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
