I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
is wine microwaveable?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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