She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
