You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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