so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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