I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
