My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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