Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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