Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
