My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
