There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
